Have you ever had one of those days where it felt like everyone is out there to annoy the SHIT out of you? Well…. That is what I am experiencing as I currently write this blog. So I have decided what my weekly post is going to be. It will be titled ‘Slap a Bitch Thursday’. These posts will include all of my (obviously) valid reasons why I feel like I should be entitled to slap specific bitches of that week. So here it goes:
Slap A Bitch Thursday
*No Bitches were harmed in the writing of this blog*
Here is what I have experienced in the past 4 hours.
1) I drop off my rental car at the National Rental Car lot at O’hare, and I am in a pretty good mood. I had a great work week, great rental car, and I was going home for the weekend finally! I am the first person on the bus, followed by a fairly attractive man. Well, fairly attractive man, seemed to really enjoy chewing his gum. Now, I know that I may be super sensitive to this, but this man was out of control. He never closed his mouth once. Never once, from the rental car lot, to the B Terminal. At first I tried to ignore it by plugging my ears with my fingers and looking the other way. It didn’t work. After a while, I caught myself starring. All I could think was ‘How do you do that? How do you purposely chew with your mouth open? I don’t think I could do that if I tried!’ Lucky for me, the bus ride is fairly short (about 6 minutes).
2) Slap a bitch #2. I am sitting in row 17. We board the plane. About 6 rows back (no joke), someone opens a bag of chips. Now, chips are tricky. I would say about 75% of the people I encounter do not know how to properly eat a chip. Well, this person might ding that percentage to 76%. I could hear literally every single bite this person took into their chip. After about 8 chips, I couldn’t take it anymore. I forced myselt to go to sleep (in hopes this person would finish by the time I was done). Luckily, when I awoke, the chips were complete!
3) Ok… Slap a bitch #3… Are you ready for this?! Slap a bitch #3 is the lady sitting next to me! So when I board the plane she was right behind me. We sit down, and she right away pulls out a Chiobani yogurt cup. She starts eating it, and I could hear her smacking her lips. I kept looking at her like ‘are you really making those noises’ and she would look at me like ‘Hi!’. She finishes her yogurt, I go to sleep and we take off. Once we are in the air, the lady takes out a sandwich that she brought from home. Same thing happens… she chews the sandwich, and I can hear her smacking her lips. The sandwich is finished, and 5 minutes later she pulls out a bag with more snacks. The next snack is an apple. Now, I love apples, but I think that apples are on the ‘do not chew next to someone you don’t know out of common courtesy (especially on an AIRPLANE!). I knew this was going to be bad, and it was. I ended up doing the pluggy ear thingy again while I read my book. The apple eating seemed to take an eternity. Apple finishes and she pulls out a granola bar. Luckily, granola bar smacking only took a total of 4 bites. The flight attendant comes to take her trash, and this bitch spills her glass of ice all over me! She just looks at me. Dosnt say a word. The flight attendant says ‘Sorry’, and I just say ‘No Problem.’.
As you can imagine, I am a little bit testy right now. I have elected to put on some Little Big Town, and have some ‘Come to Jesus’ time while I write this post. I hope you all have a tremendous weekend, and hope that you do not have to slap any bitches!
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